And the verdict is..

After an eventful, busy month, and not much happening in the TTC department (Or so I thought)

 I caved, tested and low and behold the faintest of faint second line came up. We got our BFP.

We immediately went into plan mode, when will we get a new car, how much do we need to save, we need to change our budget to accommodate.. For the first time ever I stopped, and I slowed down, took a deep breath, and just enjoyed the moment.

I watched 'Time Travellers Wife" with my mother over the weekend,  *WARNING SPOILER ALERT*
She has recurring miscarriages, anyway without giving too much away she ends up pregnant again and she says to him "We're not going to fight anymore.We're not even getting excited, if stress is what's causing the traveling then we should give this baby the most serene gestation on the planet"

I kind of feel like that, I know last time, everytime I thought so much as a bad thought I felt like I would be punished for feeling that way, or thinking those thoughts. I know there is nothing I can do to prevent miscarrying, but I would like to FEEL like I can.

So I am going to try to give this baby the most serene gestation on the planet. I am not going to bed rest and stop my life. But no fights, no pushing myself to the limit before I rest

I do think I am already too excited. But I can't not be. This is my dream.

The first giant step.

Obviously the decision (when you have a choice, believe me this is not aimed to upset those parents of children that were not a conscious decision) to have a child is not an easy one, and is not made is haste.

I’ve been thinking about our ‘trying to fool ourselves into thinking of this as a lovely surprise as opposed to a well thought out planned process’  approach and while It is much less stressful, I’m really not able to fool myself, or anyone else when my days are taken up by patrolling and googling every baby related thing known to man.

It’s so strange when you realise how much you are going to have to sacrifice, how much needs to change, how much less time you will have, and most of all, when you realise that you are ready and willing to do all of that if it means sharing your life with another. Letting your heart walk outside of your body as they say.

How do you know when you are really ready? How do you really know it’s time, that you are prepared and understand what effect this decision will have on your life?

I have come to the conclusion that you are ready when you accept that you can never be prepared, or fully understand. When you have read so many books, and forums, and blogs that if this were a degree you would graduate with high distinctions, when you have realised that it isn’t all ‘ooh cute baby’ that the bond may not come straight away, breastfeeding might be hard, you might not get one of those good babies that sleeps through the night. I think after everything, if you are still excited, and excited ABOUT the hard stuff... then you are on your way. 

An introduction.

So yesterday…  I created an alias, a new name that no one knew to cover the monster that is a woman obsessing over trying to conceive. 

Now while my darling husband and I are not ‘trying to have a baby’ but rather ‘not trying not to have a baby’ I am sure that this woman (me, myself, I) will obsess over every twinge, every strong smell, every cramp, every ‘craving’, positive that this is it, that I am with child, just to be made an idiot out of when the red witch rears her ugly head and all hopes are gone for that cycle. “But I was so sure this time” I can hear myself saying it already.

That idiot is my alias, not ME! The ‘me’ is still cool calm and collected, trying to pretend like she is young and naive and completely unawares of the consequences (for lack of a better word) of conducting the marital duty. If only. My husband and I are completely aware, in fact we have already been pregnant, it didn’t end so well. We know what can happen, we already did all of research last time, how to tell when I ovulate, making sure we conduct said relations during the right time, or every second day, keeping my bum up in the air for 10 minutes afterwards.

We have (well, me really) decided to take a different approach this time because well, sex is fun. When you are only doing it for a certain purpose, there is pressure. It isn’t so fun.

I have been patrolling various forums for a while already, some purely baby related, others that have migrated that way from once being all about engagements and weddings. Ah the path we all seem to take after saying I-Do. 

Now I am researching like a maniac about toddlers graduating from wees to poos in the toilet, and how to create time for yourself when you have a baby/toddler. I’m scouting ebay for prams, and carseats and other various cute things. 

I am writing lists, I am a list person, I have lists with titles like: THINGS I WANT FOR OUR NURSERY – GIRL… Red polka dot containers, birdcage, vintage dolls bassinet and pram set, a vintage tub chair, light brown or grey walls, white furniture… THINGS I WANT FOR OUR NURSERY – BOY… Dark furniture, Tree decals, lamp post, chalkboard, striped boxes, Vintage wooden train. NAMES I LIKE… This list has 25 of each, boy and girl names that I am sure we will narrow down, then again maybe we wont. Because I rewrite these lists all the time. I have a list for things that our baby will need, from clothing to nappy wipes,  a list of good money and time saving ideas that I have heard along the way.  A list of types of prams that I like, of car seats, and boosters. All of this makes me feel organized. Even though I know I won’t be. 

So here we are. Starting our journey, but this time, completely comfortable, people always say if you wait until the time is right, you will never start, whatever the goal, nothing is ever perfect.

But we feel good, we feel much better than we did last time when we knew that things would have to be re-arranged, and money would be very very tight. We had the we want this, everything else will work itself out approach. But now, now we feel good, no worries, no concerns, no need to convince ourselves that we will be okay. Because now we KNOW we will be. Without a worry. I can’t tell if it is our approach that is making this feel so much better, or the fact that now we are better financially. I’ll probably never tell. But I have never felt to content in my entire life.

I want to update this as much as I can, because I want to remember all of this. All of these feelings, all of this process.