An introduction.

So yesterday…  I created an alias, a new name that no one knew to cover the monster that is a woman obsessing over trying to conceive. 

Now while my darling husband and I are not ‘trying to have a baby’ but rather ‘not trying not to have a baby’ I am sure that this woman (me, myself, I) will obsess over every twinge, every strong smell, every cramp, every ‘craving’, positive that this is it, that I am with child, just to be made an idiot out of when the red witch rears her ugly head and all hopes are gone for that cycle. “But I was so sure this time” I can hear myself saying it already.

That idiot is my alias, not ME! The ‘me’ is still cool calm and collected, trying to pretend like she is young and naive and completely unawares of the consequences (for lack of a better word) of conducting the marital duty. If only. My husband and I are completely aware, in fact we have already been pregnant, it didn’t end so well. We know what can happen, we already did all of research last time, how to tell when I ovulate, making sure we conduct said relations during the right time, or every second day, keeping my bum up in the air for 10 minutes afterwards.

We have (well, me really) decided to take a different approach this time because well, sex is fun. When you are only doing it for a certain purpose, there is pressure. It isn’t so fun.

I have been patrolling various forums for a while already, some purely baby related, others that have migrated that way from once being all about engagements and weddings. Ah the path we all seem to take after saying I-Do. 

Now I am researching like a maniac about toddlers graduating from wees to poos in the toilet, and how to create time for yourself when you have a baby/toddler. I’m scouting ebay for prams, and carseats and other various cute things. 

I am writing lists, I am a list person, I have lists with titles like: THINGS I WANT FOR OUR NURSERY – GIRL… Red polka dot containers, birdcage, vintage dolls bassinet and pram set, a vintage tub chair, light brown or grey walls, white furniture… THINGS I WANT FOR OUR NURSERY – BOY… Dark furniture, Tree decals, lamp post, chalkboard, striped boxes, Vintage wooden train. NAMES I LIKE… This list has 25 of each, boy and girl names that I am sure we will narrow down, then again maybe we wont. Because I rewrite these lists all the time. I have a list for things that our baby will need, from clothing to nappy wipes,  a list of good money and time saving ideas that I have heard along the way.  A list of types of prams that I like, of car seats, and boosters. All of this makes me feel organized. Even though I know I won’t be. 

So here we are. Starting our journey, but this time, completely comfortable, people always say if you wait until the time is right, you will never start, whatever the goal, nothing is ever perfect.

But we feel good, we feel much better than we did last time when we knew that things would have to be re-arranged, and money would be very very tight. We had the we want this, everything else will work itself out approach. But now, now we feel good, no worries, no concerns, no need to convince ourselves that we will be okay. Because now we KNOW we will be. Without a worry. I can’t tell if it is our approach that is making this feel so much better, or the fact that now we are better financially. I’ll probably never tell. But I have never felt to content in my entire life.

I want to update this as much as I can, because I want to remember all of this. All of these feelings, all of this process.